


Je vais t'aimer

by tgMoony



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2020 Season, Bathing/Washing, Declarations Of Love, Falling In Love, Friendship, Help, Interviews, Love Confessions, M/M, Song Lyrics, Talk about their problems, Teasing, Unrequited Love, teammates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:14:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29517234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tgMoony/pseuds/tgMoony
Summary: Esteban discovers he has a huge crush on Checo. Before the 2020 Spanish GP, in Barcelona, he reveals his feelings to the Mexican driver. The older man, however, doesn't feel the same and breaks the Frenchman's heart.The next day, Checo feels guilty and asks for Lance's help.After the horrible race, Esteban has some sad thoughts. Luckily, a text message restores some vitality.[Summary, characters and tags will be updated in progress to avoid spoilers]
Relationships: Esteban Ocon & Daniel Ricciardo, Esteban Ocon/Sergio Pérez unrequited, Sergio Perez & Lance Stroll
Kudos: 21





	1. Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Barcelona, Esteban reflects on the first months of 2020:  
> the new F1 season, Covid, the postponement to summer.
> 
> Oh yeah, and on a certain Mexican driver he found out he fell in love with.

Esteban cuddles himself in the blankets, unable to sleep. He alternates between hiding his head under the pillows and staring at the stars out the window. Barcelona is beautiful at night, even from a hotel window.

He still can't believe it really happened: he has returned to Formula One. This January, he was one of the happiest kids in the world. Flying to Australia felt like waking up from a nightmare. His return to F1 was not just a dream.

They were all ready to start when the news destabilised the entire paddock. Two McLaren staff members tested positive for the virus a few days before the race, and the whole team went into quarantine. The race was still there, and Esteban felt he could touch it. Nevertheless, it seemed unfair enough to start with Carlos and Lando out of the way.

Anyway, the pandemic had already exploded: every other sport had stopped, like every other non-essential activity. Therefore, the FIA decided to postpone the season to summer.  
Esteban knew it was the right thing to do, but he felt totally messed up. Again. His desire to race was as big as his need for air.

Last year he had felt completely abandoned. He still remembers some Parisian nights spent drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He had promised himself never to hit bottom again.  
Sure, at that time, he was still the reserve driver for both RacingPoint and Mercedes, but that was next to nothing. Especially if that meant watching the official drivers do what he had been doing for the past two years from the garage.

The flight to Austria in early July was the start of his redemption. Racing for his first time in more than a year was more thrilling than he had imagined. The teams followed a particular schedule and were tested once a week, sometimes even twice, to prevent the infection. The first three races in a row went pretty well from this point of view. Furthermore, Esteban had achieved the right pace in the race and a good balance with the car and the team.

Everything was going well: they respected all the precautions, and the number of infected people in Europe was significantly decreasing. Esteban thought they were finally beginning to see the end of it. He was wrong.

On the 31st of July, an official communication stated that Sergio Perez had contracted the virus. Everyone was immediately sent for medical checks, and luckily they all tested negative.

RacingPoint hired Nico Hulkenberg to replace Checo in the British Grand Prix until he was fully recovered. Esteban was a bit scared: after all, he had taken Nico's seat here in Renault. Luckily the German driver didn't blame him for that, and they had no problems. The Frenchman, anyhow, decided not to stay too long in the same place as him.

Last week Checo finally returned to the paddock. It was a few days before the second British Grand Prix, the Anniversary one. In any case the driver and RacingPoint decided not to take the risk, as the man was still not at his best. However, it was touching for Esteban to see him again and surprisingly found that he missed the Mexican.

Esteban was happy to have him around again. On Saturday night, just before the race, the Frenchman discovered the elephant in the room. The young man still can't believe he didn't get it when they raced together for Force India three years ago. He feels terribly guilty for discovering his feelings for the Mexican only after he was infected. He needed a worldwide fucking pandemic virus to realise he has a crush on Checo.

It's Tuesday now, and in the last few days, Esteban couldn't stop thinking about the older man. It was still possible when he couldn't see the Mexican. But now that Sergio is definitely back in the group, ready for the Spanish Grand Prix, the Frenchman can no longer restrain himself.

The nights are the worst, and in fact, he can't sleep. He has tried everything: counting sheep, stars, numbers backwards, drinking. He even tried walking around his room to get tired. Nothing worked.

Now he is hugging his pillow, pretending it is Checo. He can't stop thinking about his dark hair and the chocolate eyes he loves to stare at. His hands tighten on the fabric as if it were Sergio's shoulders, capable of making him feel safe. Damn, he looks even hotter in that pink racing suit.

Tomorrow he will confess his feelings to Checo, or he is sure he will go mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody 🤗  
> Nice to find you again, or to meet you for the first time.  
> Welcome to another fic. Please have a seat and enjoy 😊


	2. Checo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After dinner, Esteban texts Checo to meet up for a drink. Then they take a walk outside. The Frenchman takes courage and declares himself to the man.  
> Checo reacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up the dates badly and in the first draft, the dialogues centered on Checo's firing from RedBull. Today I checked and found that it was not yet official in Barcelona.
> 
> I changed a few lines ... I hope there are no mistakes. If so, please let me know.

Esteban walks down the track. His yellow mates show him the ground conditions and indicate where the tires will deteriorate much easier. It's mid-morning, but the sun is already burning. The driver hopes not to cook on Sunday.  
«This turn is one of the best to overtake» suggests Craig. The man remembers every inch of each track: his suggestions are pure gold for Esteban.

«You will come from this straight very quickly. The car ahead will likely widen to cut the turn. If you can get yourself inside, you should cut him out.»  
«Got it» replies the driver. «While if he stays inside, I take the clean line and stay on the right. So I have the inside at the next turn, right?»  
«Exact!» the man raises his thumb, smiling.

They hear panting behind them.  
«Hey, Rich! Why are you sweating? It's not that hot» Craig teases his colleague, who had stopped to tie his shoe.  
«Fuck you!» answers the other, bent on his knees.

Esteban is about to walk again when he sees dark blue and pink silhouettes in the distance. He immediately recognises one of them.  
«Checo» he whispers imperceptibly.

* * *

They have the rest of the day off, as from tomorrow, the focus will be on the race only.  
Esteban and Daniel take a walk near Barcelona, trying to meet as few people as possible. After a long sweaty stroll in nature, they find solace in the hotel pool.

After dinner, the Frenchman texts Checo to meet up for a drink. The Mexican decides to go to the Renault hotel. The less time he spends with RacingPoint, the better.

When they meet at the bar, Esteban is so nervous he's about to shake Checo's hand. He then remembers the social distancing and offers the elbow. They sit down and have a soft drink – unfortunately.  
«How do you feel about being back, man?» Esteban asks before sucking from the straw.  
«It's a wonderful feeling: I hope to replicate this feeling for my future,» replies Checo, referring to the market rumours about Sebastian at Racing Point.  
«Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to remind you of this hateful situation. I'm sure the top management will keep you, Checo. You can't leave: you've always done great!» Esteban states.  
«Thanks, buddy!» the older one answers, smiling brightly and taking a sip too.  
«But you know that it doesn't just depend on merit!» he adds, then.

Este freezes like the ice cubes in his drink. The memory of his year off still vivid in his mind.  
He moves the cubes with the straw, hoping to find the courage, and the words, to declare himself.  
«I'm so glad you're here.»  
Checo takes another sip and replies: «Well, you invited me. What was I supposed to do?»  
They laugh.  
«Not here here, man. I meant that you're back to racing. I missed you.»  
«Aww» replies the Mexican.1

Esteban feels his cheeks burning and looks down at his glass.  
«I'm so happy to be back too. Fortunately, I didn't have any symptoms of Covid. I could have infected you all, and that would have been the end of the season.»  
The Frenchman thinks that now is the right time, but this is not the right place.  
«Can we take a walk?»  
«Of course: Barcelona is so beautiful at night» agrees the other.

They talk a little more and then stroll in silence for a while. Esteban is so happy to spend some time with Checo now that he knows his feelings about him.  
«Hey, Checo. I need to tell you something» he says out of nowhere.  
The Mexican starts slightly at the sudden noise.  
«Sure, tell me.»

They stop. Esteban looks around and sees only bushes and some trees; maybe some pigeons hiding on the path looking for crumbs.  
«I don't know when it started, but I only realised it last week when I saw you again after isolation.»  
He looks up and finds Checo's brown eyes watching him. His heart starts beating faster.  
He swallows and continues.  
«When I saw you, I found that I missed you. I… I didn't understand the real reason at first. I missed you cause I care about you.»  
He pauses for a second, not knowing if he can say those words aloud.  
«I love you, Checo.»

The Mexican feels freezing in the hot night. His blood stops flowing, and he feels like someone has come upon him in the race and sent him over the barriers. He crashes.  
«You… you love me?»  
«Yes, I love you.»  
Esteban smiles, now less convinced.

Checo turns pale and opens his mouth. No words come out, however.  
«I'm so sorry, Esteban, I'm really sorry. Believe me. I didn't expect it, not at all. But, you know, I'm married… I'm sorry, buddy, but... I don't love you.»  
Esteban doesn't respond. He feels stabbed and feels the blood dripping from his heart.  
«But why me? Why a grumpy old man? There are many better people out there, and I know there's the right one for you. You are such an amazing guy. So kind, so determined, so selfless. I'm sure you'll find the right one.»

The Frenchman's eyes begin to fill with tears during Checo's speech. It was very heartwarming, but the awareness of rejection after the initial shock hit him hard.  
Unable to speak again, he looks at his colleague one more time. He wipes his eyes with an arm and runs away from him towards the hotel.  
«Esteban!» Checo calls him, but his voice echoes through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 please, tell me if there is an English verb to replace the phrase 'say aww'  
> I did some research but found nothing :(


	3. Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thursday is interview day. Esteban is starting to like it, but is shattered. During the interviews, Daniel tries to understand what's happening to his teammate.

The conversation of the previous night keeps repeating in his mind. What was he thinking? That Checo would run to him after three years of knowing each other, leaving his perfect life with his wife and kids? Was he so selfish and stupid to even think the Mexican could feel the same about him? After all, what can he give to the older man?

He puts his head under the soft pillow. He breathes on the light fabric and feels the air condense and wet the cloth over his lips. His hands firmly grab the sheet and lift it before throwing it away with the pillow. He sits up and looks at them, lying in the centre of the room. He licks a drop on his upper lip and feels a salty taste. Only now he realises that he is crying. Again.

He reaches the sink and washes his face. The guy who stares back at him across the mirror doesn't look like him at all, not even a little bit. He tries to smile, but his lips fall immediately. Who does he think he is deceiving? He goes back to his room again and wears the Renault polo shirt and a pair of Bermuda short; his racing suit is already in the backpack.

Esteban wipes his eyes and closes the door behind him. He has to go to the garage: today is the day of the interviews. This year he discovered that he also likes the part of the weekend where reporters ask them about their pace, the track and what they expect their race to be. It's nothing compared to the feeling of racing, but the Frenchman missed that too.  
Last year nobody had anything to ask him, not even about how he felt being on foot, watching his former colleagues being interviewed. Nobody cared about him. That's why this year he enjoys so much all this attention. He feels inserted, part of the Formula One world, and it's fantastic.

He leaves the hotel and gets into the car to reach the track. All these limitations due to the pandemic are frustrating, but he actually feels pampered, as many people worry about his health situation. He puts on his sunglasses and looks at Barcelona streets from the car window: there aren't so many people outside. It's not that early in the morning, but this year everyone tends to avoid public spaces. He probably would have gone crazy to stay off the track this season.

A shy smile peeks out on his face as he watches the familiar paddock unfold before his eyes. A year ago, he thought he would never feel this feeling again. He walks in the scorching sun, his cap and sunglasses only partially cover him. He enters the Renault garage from the entrance under his name and his smiling photo. What an irony!

Due to Covid prescriptions, interviews are done outside, with only the official F1 reporter and one team at a time. Esteban approaches before Daniel, so he sits in the farthest chair, leaving the other to his teammate. The Australian is a perfect companion for interviews: he perfectly knows the right moment of a joke, and his smile always lights up everyone's day. Even with the mask on his face.

Today, however, the questions seem pretty tedious, and Esteban answers monotonously. In truth, it is not the journalist's fault: last night's discussion runs through his mind like the images of a film. He feels suffocating, and the humid Spanish weather in the hottest month of the year makes it even more unbearable.

Daniel makes a joke about the track and that perhaps Esteban needs to study it better since he has forgotten it. He likes to tease his mate because he knows that the young man also has a sharp tongue.  
This behaviour usually makes the Frenchman laugh and respond with an angry look, but today he is not even affected by it.  
«Yeah, kind of» he replies, emotionless, his eyes fixed on the nothing in front of him.

«Hey, man!» calls Daniel, hurrying to catch up with his teammate after the interview.  
The Frenchman stops and glares at the other coldly.  
«Esteban, I'm sorry about that joke earlier. I didn't think it could… it could hurt you. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry. I'm just, you know, sometimes I don't reflect enough before I open my mouth. I'm so sorry, man. It's just... you looked so lost, and I know this kind of things always arouse you.»

Dan stops talking. Esteban didn't even raise an eyebrow or make a sound during his apology.  
«Hey, are you okay?» he asks, placing a hand on the other's shoulder.  
The younger finally meets his gaze.  
«Yeah, kind of» he replies before leaving a downed Daniel alone.


	4. I need your help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Checo feels very guilty about what happened with Esteban and he isn't sure if the Frenchman is reacting well. He decides to confide everything to his teammate, hoping that Lance will understand and help Esteban get through it all.

After the last check-up before tomorrow's free practise, the drivers are sent to their rooms to rest. Checo takes off his shoes, sits on the bed and lets himself go, lying on his back. He closes his eyes, trying to reflect once again on the whole situation, excluding the race.

Esteban declared his love the night before, and Checo rejected him. Since then, he hasn't seen the Renault driver and doesn't know how the other deals with it. Did he cry? Was he pissed? The Mexican only hopes Esteban told someone and didn't keep it all inside. Maybe he talked to Daniel? Checo doesn't know if they are already that close. No, the Frenchman probably hasn't told anyone yet. Checo sighs. He needs to help the younger in some way. He sits up and puts his shoes back on: he has an idea.

Lance.

Checo knocks on his teammate's door. He hopes the younger isn't with someone else or has gone running.  
The door opens, stopping his thoughts.  
«Hey, Checo. What are you doing here? Come on, enter!» Lance smiles, inviting him with the hand.  
Once inside, Checo gently rubs the back of his neck, unsure how to enter the subject.

«Would you like something to drink?» offers the Canadian.  
«Yes, gladly, please.»  
The host hands him an energy drink and a glass.  
Checo drinks half of the drink, letting the citrus flavour fill his mouth and throat. He feels the caffeine throbbing in his blood, and he breathes again.  
«You were thirsty, huh?» notices the other, an eyebrow raised in surprise.  
Checo speaks quickly and nervously: «Lance, I need to ask you a favour. A great favour».  
He wipes some droplets of sweat from his forehead.

«I'm sorry to involve you, but I don't know who else I could contact» confesses the older man with a low sigh.  
Lance opens his eyes wide.  
«Man, you are shit scaring me! Let's sit and calm down» he suggests, pointing to a red leather couch in the middle of the room.

The two men take a seat (sit down), and the Canadian listens to his teammate.  
Checo spits out: «It's about Esteban.»  
Lance nods. The other man breathes deeply and goes on.  
«He confessed to me that he loves me.»  
Lance's eyes widen even more.  
«Oh God» he whispers.  
«I hadn't told him anything that could be misunderstood. I've never been – in any case – ambiguous or flirtatious. You know, I love my wife. I never thought he could be attracted by me.»  
«Checo, nobody's accusing you. Plus, there's nobody to blame here. But… what did you tell him?» Lance replies, comforting the other man.

«The truth. I was so sorry, I told him too. I replied that I didn't expect it and – oh God – I told him I don't reciprocate. I added that there are many better people out there than me, and surely he will find his soulmate. But that's not me.»  
Lance gasps.

«I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't fool him.» Checo continues. «I… I don't know what to do now. I tried to apologise, but he withdrew and turned his back to me. Then he ran away. I couldn't follow him, so I had to leave him alone.»  
The Mexican's eyes are now filled with tears, and Lance approaches to hold him tight.  
«Checo, it was very hard. But it's not your fault at all. You did the right thing. Maybe now Este doesn't understand it, but he will.»  
«Thank you, buddy» the older replies, hugging him.

«Please, Lance, promise me you will talk to Esteban. Don't say anything about me, or he'll hate you as well.»  
Lance nods, looking his teammate in the eye.  
«He shouldn't have to go through it all alone, Lance. Promise me that you will help him.»

«I will. He's my friend: I won't leave him alone» Lance answers, smiling.  
«But stop blaming yourself, Checo. Even if Este would hate you for a while, you must know that you did the right thing.»  
The man smiles back and removes his arms from around the Canadian.  
«Thank you, Lance. I think I'll go now: I have to check the strategy for tomorrow. I owe you one.»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luckily Checo wants to help Esteban and knows him well enough to understand that he won't open up to anyone.


	5. A warm bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a horrible race, Esteban takes a bath. He has some sad thoughts, but then a text message restores some vitality to him.

Esteban isn't angry as usual after a bad race. He is just resigned, empty. Luckily Renault didn't blame him, but he knows he has most of the fault. He wasn't as focused on the race as he should have been.

_«I'm sorry, buddy, but I don't love you.»_

His heart breaks once again. He silently steps into the bathroom and turns on the hot water: he needs a bath. The driver checks the lock and sits on the bed, looking at his open closet. He doesn't want another dinner with the team. He wants a break.  
He gets up and prepares a bubble bath. He loves being pampered by the soft foam and playing with bubbles.

These close races will kill him. At least they have a week off now: he misses France and his family. With all the social distances, he misses hugs too much.  
«Oh God! A shy boy like me misses hugs. The world is turning upside down!» he jokes, sighing.

_«Why me? There are many better people out there.»_

He has never been friend zoned before this week. He has never even declared before this week. He takes off his clothes and goes into the bathroom.

He slips into the bathtub. The hot water soothes his tired skin. He relaxes and thinks about the race, about that overtaking missed at turn 3. Then he remembers the many overtaking he suffered. He can see the image of Checo fighting a few cars in front of him. And he remembers the feeling of crossing the chequered flag in 13th place.

He looks at the white tiles on the ceiling. He closes his eyes, but his mind takes him to that night out with the RacingPoint driver.

_«You're such an amazing guy. I'm sure you'll find the right one.»_

Esteban hides beneath the surface of the water, holding his breath. He will never find his soulmate; he will never marry his love. Suddenly he remembers a song he once heard with Daniel. The slow notes of the guitar sound like a lullaby, but they also evoke a sad atmosphere. He thinks of the opening lines, very melancholy and powerful in their sadness.

_I will never marry my love  
I will die waiting for the bells  
Death come pull me under water  
I have nothing left to fear from hell_

He opens his eyes underwater. It would be so easy to lie down there in the tub until his last breath. It's that simple: he has nothing left to lose now. He's not good at racing, and he has not the love of his life. He can die there in the bathtub: he will not be missed. If anyone still had doubts, it was evident last year.

Then he remembers the Austrian GP and how thrilled he was to be back in F1. He reminds Cyril's encouraging words when they first met, Daniel's smiles and tips every week to help him become a better driver. He sees the face of his friend Lance, overjoyed for his return. And Romain's kind gestures when they speak French from time to time: the man is always so sensitive towards the young drivers.

At that moment, Esteban realises he's out of breath. He sits up, emerging from the water, and starts coughing. This wasn't a great idea: he is a complete idiot. Why did he do such a thing? He jumps out of the tub and dries himself with towels. As he wears more comfy clothes, he sees a blue light flash on his phone.

He touches the screen and finds a message from Lance inviting him for a walk outside after dinner. His colleague's fitness coach and other staff members complain that it's too hot outside, but the Canadian can't wait to experience going out at night without risking to die of cold.

Esteban snorts, he's not in the mood to drink, but then he thinks about the alternatives. Staying in his room all night, continually thinking about Checo or his horrible race, is not that tempting. He smiles and accepts the invitation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is _Stop your tears_ by Aldous Harding.  
> It's melancholy and sad, but the music is very relaxing. During the lockdown, I spent whole days listening to it


End file.
